I still can’t say her name

The day that I meet her, there was something weird and strange about our connection. I didn’t think anything of it, at first, but then I became consumed with her. I wanted nothing else but to get to know her. I wanted to be her best friend, and then her shoulder to cry on, and then who knew what else what would happen.

The problem was that that we both had girlfriends. I’ve already told you how much I love my girlfriend, and how she makes me happy and that whole thing, and that part never changed. But when I met this girl she reminded me of all the reasons why the world was beautiful, but also why I shouldn’t be in it anymore. It was like untucking a shirt after a long day of work.

I began to spiral down, and think about nothing but ending it at any time, and that made me feel much better about life. I knew that I wouldn’t have to deal with college anymore, work, or any other problems that I might be having. I started doing drugs again, and smoking and drinking. But I did start writing again, and it had been almost a year since I had written anything worth reading.

She was the freedom I needed, but the freedom I couldn’t live with. I knew the day that I first kissed her that I would be truly throwing away everything I had worked so hard to create for myself, but I couldn’t stay away. It felt so nice, the end of it all I mean. Of course soon after I had to break up with my girlfriend because what would she do if she found my body one morning? I didn’t want that on her.

Those couple of weeks that turned into a month in half were crazy. I lived for the skin, the touch and love of the world. She was perfect for this world that I created for my demise. I guess I never really thought about all the things that she would feel when I left since she was just as unhappy as me. But she came alive with every kiss, her thoughts were brighter with every touch. What was I to do now that love was there?

I realized too late that I had to go back. I couldn’t leave my mom, my family and my girlfriend who created a future for us with the house and kids in mind. I had fucked up and I had to go back in time. But time machines aren’t real, and what I did was unreal, and what was I to do?

I still don’t know whether or not I can’t say her name, because of everything that I did to her, or if I say it all the feelings would drown me. I brought her to life as I slowly let her kill me, and then I left. But what’s done is done, and can never be undone.download (2)

Much Love C.S. Mann


Brighter than a Sunflower

I’m sure we all remember the moment that we first met our first roommate. I will admit that I am one of those people who worries about everything, even if I know the possibility of that situation happening was slim to nothing.

All I was hoping for when I met my roommate was that she was quite and never really talked or came out her room. When she arrived on the first day with what seemed to be every single women in her family, I could feel the instant disconnect.

I was still very angry with my mother as much as any teenager is for no real reason behind it, besides pint up anger over the years. Needless to say I arrived with three bags and my best friends in hand, and the determination of a bull to make sure my life was going to end up differently.

My new roommate concluded to dump everything in her closet and plug in one lava lamp.. in the dead center of the room. I felt like she was going to be the first druggie I met in college, especially when she also didn’t come back after that for almost three days.

As luck may have it, what seemed to be a drugged out roommate became one of my best friends and someone I will always look back on in college and remember her love for sunflowers and farmers markets. Our year filled with crazy ups and downs, was perfect together. From our late afternoon coffee stops, record shopping, or even just reading in the grass together, she was a person that I could always count on.

But now its time to pop the bubble as some say. I did have an amazing roommate my first year, but I also had two other ones, one of which ended up trying to have me evicted, and called the cops on me, and the other barely learned my name, except to tell me to clean after myself more, but hey what can you do.

I learned from her that the best thing for a person to laugh at least once a day, as well as to always be thinking positive thoughts. So she will always be the sunflower roommate to me, that eased me into probably the worst roommates to follow the next year. But you win some, and you lose some.


Much Love C.S. Mann




Like handfuls of sand

Before I am to begin yet another tale, I’ll begin by saying that friendship is a hard definition, a concept as hard to grasp and hold onto as a hot handful of sand on the beach. One second you have everything figured out and in the palms of your hands, while unknowingly letting grains slip through your fingertips. I say this to remind you that I have once felt the same way, with all the friends in the world that I thought were always going to be there for me. But of course that’s not how this tale is going to go.

When I first moved out I knew that I had a year to finish my AA in order to get back on schedule with my life. On the other hand I still wanted the entire college experience, with parties, late night cramming, friendships that last a lifetime. But see that was my first problem, my expectations of college were way too high, and my longing for someone close after a year at home and alone, was my main problem.

My first group of friends from college branched out from my girlfriends friends from the year before, but also included my best friends from back home that decided to come with me. I found out more about myself within the next couple of months then I had in my entire lifetime. I had secrets that I thought I was going to take to my grave, I was blackmailed, ignored, blocked and heart broken by the end of the year.

It’s weird to think that in college you’ll still have to deal with social media, and gossip problems- even if you know what they are saying is the truth about you. It still hurts to remember all of the unfortunate late night calls, and heart felt text that were twisted and changed so that the only people that knew the truth was me… and her.

The important lesson of it all was that the friends that came out the other end were going to stand with me through thick and thin.

What I am trying to say is that friends come and go. You’ll fuck up in college, you’ll have your heart broken, and you might even fall in love, but the lesson is that everything changes. And if you don’t like how things are changing in the first place, don’t just sit around and wait for everything to change, make the change yourself.

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Much Love C.S. Mann

Connections are connections

The first time I stepped foot on a longboard there was not a special connection. There was no inner spark that ignited when I took my first  step off of my board into oncoming traffic either. The first couple of times, almost every time I would fall straight over, or move a couple of inches and crash into something or someone. It seemed as though I was meant to stay on the ground, with both feet so buried way there was nothing to do but smash into it.

One of my best friends from home had moved with me to Orlando where we both were trying to receive our AAs to later, hopefully get into UCF. But the main problem was I wasn’t having any fun, I was working almost every day and taking five classes on line to make sure I could work as much as possible. A stress reliever is what she called it, I was in need of a stress reliever. I was already struggling with anxiety levels through the roof. Like many other college students the only way to remove this amount of stress was to do something reckless and dangerous in order to relax myself.

So i keep trying to learn how to long board with my friend to hopefully one day enjoy whipping through campus like her. And one day I did. I stepped on my board, and I felt as though I would never fall off again. I could feel the time slipping through my fingers as the wind caught my hair. I could ride miles away from problems and never look back. Well at least for a couple of hours a day.

When I look back at college I am sure that I will always remember late night riding with my best friend. I’ll always remember feeling free and as infinite as the night sky above littered with dim stars. I’ll remember the day I gave up riding, the day my best friend moved away, and the day I did fall off again.


Much Love C.S.Mann long

So where am I to begin?

UCF_Seal.svg.pngSo where am I to begin with this unsightly tale? Iv’e already told you of how I barely managed to squeeze into college, and despite my destructive ways I succeeded in gaining a loving girlfriend. But how should start, with the good or bad, or should I just tell you in vaguely messed up stories that include some type of moral story? How about I just dive in.

When I was planning on moving out of my house I knew that I was going to need money, almost $6,000 to be exact. In the beginning I was searching for a job after job that I thought a high school diploma could accomplish, and yet I came up empty handed for weeks.  But about three months after I graduated I was about to get a job waiting tables at Panera. This was not exactly how I wanted my first year out of high school to go, so I dove into work, working overtime almost every week. I was taking some classes at the local community classes, but only half heartedly. But the day that I looked at my bank account and saw that I had over $7,000 was a great day. The following day I made the arrangements to move, 214 miles away.

I say this now after explaining to you that I know the value of money and what some have to do in the world just to get by. A couple of weeks after I arrived at school I became a bartsia at a Starbuck on campus. This job, I will say was one of the greatest things that has come out of college for me. My coworkers became more like family everyday, each as different and unique as the freckles on a sunburnt face.

Fast forward a couple months and I had blow tons of money on junk food, and countless other stupid things that seem important to college student at that exact moment. But hey, I had finally did it. I moved out, enrolled in school, and even job a job right on campus. You could almost say everything was going perfectly. But at last if everything had gone perfectly, you wouldn’t be reading this, and I wouldn’t be wondering where I had gone wrong.


Much Love C.S. Mann

The First Rose

When I was in high school I never really gave much thought to what would happen once I graduated. The thought that one day I would wake up and high school would be over was too much for me to handle. I never really truly applied to colleges, but I watched and listened as one by one my friends were excepted into the best of colleges in Florida. It did’t become real to me until one day a letter arrived for my girlfriend, and just like that she was going to be attending a university over 200 miles away from me. And just like that all the days seemed to pass faster than before. One month fell into another until I had been alone for more than two months.

The real problem was that I had never planned to live past graduation. But if I was going to be completely honest, I never expected to make it past junior year. My life had bee nothing but a downward spiral for years until I met her. She was the sunrise I had been waiting for without even knowing it. She showed me what life was, and how to live, and most importantly how to be happy.

So one year after I stayed behind to work and save up I decided to move closer to her and get my AA. Can you imagine what it felt like knowing that one day you were going to be gone, and then the next day trying to plan an entire year out to make a future for yourself? Neither could I. But one more year after that I graduated from a community college and became a full time student at the university of central Florida. Of course there were many ups and downs to that two year gap, and I will most definitely fill you in later, but now remember one thing.

Right before I received my AA my girlfriend took me on a date to a rose garden, and she asked me a question I still ask myself everyday. “are you happy?” And the answer may change slightly from day to day events, but as of  right now, yes. Yes I really am.

Much love C.S Mann


With every story there is a beginning

For every story there is a beginning, and you might have guessed at what this post is going to be about. I use to have another blog but I realized that I was not helping myself become the true writer that I wanted-no needed to be so I’m changing it. I feel as though my story much like others deserves to be heard. I may be hard for me to write, and hard for some people to read, but maybe we can grow together. So here it goes the story of my college experiences, including love stories, finding meaning, friendship, and I suppose some things about college school wise as well. As my best friend always says “Never goodbye, just until next time.”


Much love C.S Mann