A Dark Place

I’ve discussed and hinted that at one point in my life, I went through something traumatic that really did teach me to love life, and its about time that I wrote about it. After the first time my ex and I broke up, I was in dark place and was with someone that was only fueling the problem. The girl I cheated on my ex with, I tried to see what life would be like with her, and it was good for a little bit. We talked about all of the dark and depressed thoughts I had kept in my head for so long.

It was nice to have someone to talk to about something that had been eating me alive for so long. We smoked more cigarettes than I probably ever will in my entire life during that time, sitting outside watching countless sunrises. I saw my first sunrises with her, and we decided that maybe the world might never be okay, and it was the first real time suicide seemed like a real answer. Since getting together with this girl, I was able to get my hands on a lot of drugs for the first time in a while, and down the rabbit hole I went.

On December 3 2014, I attempted to take my own life because I couldn’t figure out how to calm my mind from guilt of cheating on my girlfriend of 3 years, of leading someone on because I didnt want to be alone, from taking so many drugs, and just pure depression. Skip forward a couple of days and I was checked into a psych ward under surveillance for 72 hours. To be honest I dont remember much during that time except for weird things like, I wasnt allowed to have shoelaces, knives for eating, and i never felt more alone in my life. During the time I was there I wished more than anything that I would have died, and forcing someone to live was the cruel and unusual punishment I needed to rid my guilt. So I continued to be.

Soon after that I got back with my ex, after she told me she forgave me, and she still loved me. I decided then that I would never break up with her again, even when I fell out of love with her. I would just continue to be with her as long as she wanted to be together because she deserved to have me after I fucked up so badly. In the next year i was able to find myself again, and she did help with that, but everyday we fell more and more out of love with each other until we finally hated the sight of each other.

Do I agree with any of the options I chose then now, of course not. I do not wish anyone to follow in what I did, nor do I want anyone to fell like I did. I gave my life up twice because I didnt know what I wanted or who I was. I hope that if youre reading this, you do not feel sorry for me because life did get better. The light in me honors and respects the light in you. If anyone is having these feelings or though please call the number at bottom. Both are 24 hour hotline numbers, or check out http://www.itgetsbetter.org

 919-231-4525 | 1-877-235-4525

Much Love,

CSM

Update

Well I started this blog to write about my life in college, and now that’s almost over and I only have a couple post up, which is disappointing. So how am I suppose to to such a fast catch up on my hectic life? I guess ill start with the major changes, and then write about the smaller things in multiple post. I hope this is annoying for anyone, or that people can learn from my mistakes, or simply enjoy a “juicy” read.

Well I guess to start out Ill begin where I left off. When I first came to college Ill admit that I was a different person, and I’ve grown with each step of my life. When I first moved here, I did not really know anyone, and had to start college and was pretty much very under prepared for everything. I was living with my then girlfriend of the time, and life seemed be going better since I had moved out of my mom’s small apartment in Jacksonville. Everything was going pretty well until naturally I fucked up and cheated, and moved in with my best friend.

I’m in no way saying cheating is something you should do when your’e unhappy in a relationship, but in my case I wouldn’t change anything. I was ignored and used for nothing more than to show off to friends, and all the money I was getting from work was going to feeding fast food to my gf at the time, and weed. We were going no where in life, and we both were trying to hold together this picture we though living together was going to be.

After a month we got back together for about a year in a half, where I had to learn to love life again. I had just went through a pretty traumatic part of my life, and at first she helped me get through it and forgave me for cheating. But later I found out that she never forgave me and cheated on me instead, and just never had the nerve to tell me. After months of either dead silence when we were together, or arguing nonstop, she broke up with me for good.

The break up was something I saw coming, but not the way it did happen. One night when I was really depressed she said that she couldnt be there for me anymore, and that she was just going to block herself from me, along with her family that I had grown to love. And just like that after four years, and living together, getting a pet together and everything else there was no more us from one single text.

I never heard from her again, which was pretty hard to understand, but after some time I realized it really doesn’t matter why she left, al that mattered was she left. In a matter of days I had to finish my summer semester, go on a conference trip out of state for my internship, come back to do recruitment for my sorority, and some how find an apartment. I’m not sure how I was able to do these things but I did, and I even started dating.

I was seeing these two girls for a little which was fun at first, but they both turned out to be crazy in the end. One I liked because she was the first person I was able to be with and not have a girlfriend which was only fun for a couple of weeks. The other girl was very deep, and was not really about anything I stood for. I had one of the best dates of my life with her, but also you just know when its not the right person. After all that, and nonstop parties with my FAM, I met this girl named Anna.

Its weird to say that we even had the chance to meet, let long the fact that we have been dating now for 6 months. She’s this unbelievably hot soccer player from Sweden, who some how ended up loving me just as much as I love her. Since we have started dating I have done so much, and its hard to believe that a year has almost passed since I thought my life was over.

Ive met the love of my life, Im graduating in a couple months, I’m moving out of state, Ive been on a college road trip now, Ive flown by myself for work, Ive been camping at national springs, helped produce art shows, got tattoos, pierced my septum, and now cut and dyed my hair teal. Its weird to be this person now after all I have been through, but I believe that anything is possible if you just got for it, life  has a way of working itself out.

Much love,

CSM