A Dark Place

I’ve discussed and hinted that at one point in my life, I went through something traumatic that really did teach me to love life, and its about time that I wrote about it. After the first time my ex and I broke up, I was in dark place and was with someone that was only fueling the problem. The girl I cheated on my ex with, I tried to see what life would be like with her, and it was good for a little bit. We talked about all of the dark and depressed thoughts I had kept in my head for so long.

It was nice to have someone to talk to about something that had been eating me alive for so long. We smoked more cigarettes than I probably ever will in my entire life during that time, sitting outside watching countless sunrises. I saw my first sunrises with her, and we decided that maybe the world might never be okay, and it was the first real time suicide seemed like a real answer. Since getting together with this girl, I was able to get my hands on a lot of drugs for the first time in a while, and down the rabbit hole I went.

On December 3 2014, I attempted to take my own life because I couldn’t figure out how to calm my mind from guilt of cheating on my girlfriend of 3 years, of leading someone on because I didnt want to be alone, from taking so many drugs, and just pure depression. Skip forward a couple of days and I was checked into a psych ward under surveillance for 72 hours. To be honest I dont remember much during that time except for weird things like, I wasnt allowed to have shoelaces, knives for eating, and i never felt more alone in my life. During the time I was there I wished more than anything that I would have died, and forcing someone to live was the cruel and unusual punishment I needed to rid my guilt. So I continued to be.

Soon after that I got back with my ex, after she told me she forgave me, and she still loved me. I decided then that I would never break up with her again, even when I fell out of love with her. I would just continue to be with her as long as she wanted to be together because she deserved to have me after I fucked up so badly. In the next year i was able to find myself again, and she did help with that, but everyday we fell more and more out of love with each other until we finally hated the sight of each other.

Do I agree with any of the options I chose then now, of course not. I do not wish anyone to follow in what I did, nor do I want anyone to fell like I did. I gave my life up twice because I didnt know what I wanted or who I was. I hope that if youre reading this, you do not feel sorry for me because life did get better. The light in me honors and respects the light in you. If anyone is having these feelings or though please call the number at bottom. Both are 24 hour hotline numbers, or check out http://www.itgetsbetter.org

 919-231-4525 | 1-877-235-4525

Much Love,

CSM

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