A Dark Place

I’ve discussed and hinted that at one point in my life, I went through something traumatic that really did teach me to love life, and its about time that I wrote about it. After the first time my ex and I broke up, I was in dark place and was with someone that was only fueling the problem. The girl I cheated on my ex with, I tried to see what life would be like with her, and it was good for a little bit. We talked about all of the dark and depressed thoughts I had kept in my head for so long.

It was nice to have someone to talk to about something that had been eating me alive for so long. We smoked more cigarettes than I probably ever will in my entire life during that time, sitting outside watching countless sunrises. I saw my first sunrises with her, and we decided that maybe the world might never be okay, and it was the first real time suicide seemed like a real answer. Since getting together with this girl, I was able to get my hands on a lot of drugs for the first time in a while, and down the rabbit hole I went.

On December 3 2014, I attempted to take my own life because I couldn’t figure out how to calm my mind from guilt of cheating on my girlfriend of 3 years, of leading someone on because I didnt want to be alone, from taking so many drugs, and just pure depression. Skip forward a couple of days and I was checked into a psych ward under surveillance for 72 hours. To be honest I dont remember much during that time except for weird things like, I wasnt allowed to have shoelaces, knives for eating, and i never felt more alone in my life. During the time I was there I wished more than anything that I would have died, and forcing someone to live was the cruel and unusual punishment I needed to rid my guilt. So I continued to be.

Soon after that I got back with my ex, after she told me she forgave me, and she still loved me. I decided then that I would never break up with her again, even when I fell out of love with her. I would just continue to be with her as long as she wanted to be together because she deserved to have me after I fucked up so badly. In the next year i was able to find myself again, and she did help with that, but everyday we fell more and more out of love with each other until we finally hated the sight of each other.

Do I agree with any of the options I chose then now, of course not. I do not wish anyone to follow in what I did, nor do I want anyone to fell like I did. I gave my life up twice because I didnt know what I wanted or who I was. I hope that if youre reading this, you do not feel sorry for me because life did get better. The light in me honors and respects the light in you. If anyone is having these feelings or though please call the number at bottom. Both are 24 hour hotline numbers, or check out http://www.itgetsbetter.org

 919-231-4525 | 1-877-235-4525

Much Love,

CSM

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Update

Well I started this blog to write about my life in college, and now that’s almost over and I only have a couple post up, which is disappointing. So how am I suppose to to such a fast catch up on my hectic life? I guess ill start with the major changes, and then write about the smaller things in multiple post. I hope this is annoying for anyone, or that people can learn from my mistakes, or simply enjoy a “juicy” read.

Well I guess to start out Ill begin where I left off. When I first came to college Ill admit that I was a different person, and I’ve grown with each step of my life. When I first moved here, I did not really know anyone, and had to start college and was pretty much very under prepared for everything. I was living with my then girlfriend of the time, and life seemed be going better since I had moved out of my mom’s small apartment in Jacksonville. Everything was going pretty well until naturally I fucked up and cheated, and moved in with my best friend.

I’m in no way saying cheating is something you should do when your’e unhappy in a relationship, but in my case I wouldn’t change anything. I was ignored and used for nothing more than to show off to friends, and all the money I was getting from work was going to feeding fast food to my gf at the time, and weed. We were going no where in life, and we both were trying to hold together this picture we though living together was going to be.

After a month we got back together for about a year in a half, where I had to learn to love life again. I had just went through a pretty traumatic part of my life, and at first she helped me get through it and forgave me for cheating. But later I found out that she never forgave me and cheated on me instead, and just never had the nerve to tell me. After months of either dead silence when we were together, or arguing nonstop, she broke up with me for good.

The break up was something I saw coming, but not the way it did happen. One night when I was really depressed she said that she couldnt be there for me anymore, and that she was just going to block herself from me, along with her family that I had grown to love. And just like that after four years, and living together, getting a pet together and everything else there was no more us from one single text.

I never heard from her again, which was pretty hard to understand, but after some time I realized it really doesn’t matter why she left, al that mattered was she left. In a matter of days I had to finish my summer semester, go on a conference trip out of state for my internship, come back to do recruitment for my sorority, and some how find an apartment. I’m not sure how I was able to do these things but I did, and I even started dating.

I was seeing these two girls for a little which was fun at first, but they both turned out to be crazy in the end. One I liked because she was the first person I was able to be with and not have a girlfriend which was only fun for a couple of weeks. The other girl was very deep, and was not really about anything I stood for. I had one of the best dates of my life with her, but also you just know when its not the right person. After all that, and nonstop parties with my FAM, I met this girl named Anna.

Its weird to say that we even had the chance to meet, let long the fact that we have been dating now for 6 months. She’s this unbelievably hot soccer player from Sweden, who some how ended up loving me just as much as I love her. Since we have started dating I have done so much, and its hard to believe that a year has almost passed since I thought my life was over.

Ive met the love of my life, Im graduating in a couple months, I’m moving out of state, Ive been on a college road trip now, Ive flown by myself for work, Ive been camping at national springs, helped produce art shows, got tattoos, pierced my septum, and now cut and dyed my hair teal. Its weird to be this person now after all I have been through, but I believe that anything is possible if you just got for it, life  has a way of working itself out.

Much love,

CSM

Loyalty

I suppose I began writing this blog to tell a love story, or to speak about how wonderful college is, but if you read this blog then you should know better.

For a while it felt as though nothing was going right in my life. I was making a lot of poor decisions, as well as befriending a lot of people that were aiding in my awful decisions. But then I realized something today, as I sat in a coffee shop with a new friend. My problem was loyalty. I feel as though this generation has begun to feel so self entitled that they never see when they do something wrong, and there for never apologize for anything.

How hard is it to be there for a friend when they need you? How hard is it to try to understand where that person is coming from especially if you call each other friends? This shouldn’t even be a question. If you love someone you should be loyal to them.

And I know that at this moment I am calling the kettle black, because I have been disloyal at times, but I still understand how to fix it. When you have done something wrong, such as betraying a friend or a lover the first thing you should do is confide in that person, and ask for forgiveness.

That person doesn’t have to forgive you, but this process should still begin after you have broken the trust. But no, thats not what I have been dealing with. I decided that after being lied to, used, and being treated as though I had no idea what was happening around me, that I am done.

I will no longer sit and listen to bitchying, and crying about drama I have no idea about. I will no longer be “loaning” money out, driving people home, cooking anyone dinner, nothing. The one person that I trust right now is my family, and my girlfriend, and if anyone wants to join that tight circle they are going to need to prove to me that they are worth it.

I guess the lesson I’m trying to teach is that you shouldn’t let people run all over you just because you’re afraid of losing friends. Because I see now that it is better to have no friends, then friends who care zero percent about you.

Much Love,

CSM loyalty2

The Changing of Seasons

I will say when I left for college, I never stopped to think about all the things that were going to change. I was no longer required to go home at midnight by my mom, I was going to be moving to a different city, and trying to graduate on time, and hopefully having a social life. Now that spring semester is over summer has finally returned, and it feel as though the air is lighter.

It is one of my favorite times of the year, even though I still have to work, and take summer classes it is always a very relaxed time. After my… I would go with interesting spring semester, I am happy to say everything has calmed down. I was offered many different opportunities to better my schooling, and work life, but I have also been working on myself a lot.

Working on myself included becoming a yogi as some call it, but to me its just relaxing life. Once or twice a week you’ll be able to find me on a mat giving and receiving energy. I have also been cutting out people from my life that have been doing nothing but bring me down. Its never okay to let people walk all over you, even if they don’t realize what they are doing themselves.

I was able to get an internship with an amazing organization, as well as pass all of my classes. I know that with the changing of seasons always reminds me that each change brings me one step closer to living. I feel as though when you’re in college you’re living in an isolated life. Rules do not apply to you, which is why college kids seem to always be getting into trouble. Your biggest responsibility is still school, and for some work. It’s a holding ground that helps shape people for the real world.

What I’m trying to say is, I can feel everything changing back into peaceful times, and I hope it stays. I have been having a very interesting time in college, I’ve meet people who have lied to me, used me, and worse. But there is always hope for better times, especially with changing times.

 

Much Love,

CSMsummer

 

SB2K16

Spring Break 2016… what can I say about this break that was different? Everything. Normally I stay home and spend time with my family, and watch my siblings so that my mom can still go to work and not lose vacation days, but this year was different. This was to be my first big spring break in college, and I wanted to do it with a bang. I decided to buy a cruise ticket to the Bahamas with one of my new friends. But I had no idea what that would turn into.

After we first bought our tickets I was kinda of worried about all of the things that could go wrong being alone with just one other person in a different country, but soon my I was reassured. Some of my sorority sisters were going to be going on the same ship as me, which meant more people that would be looking out for me. But I was slowly slipping back into bad times, and had yet to realize it.

Day one of being on the cruise we partied pretty hard, and it seemed like we were finally going to have the spring break we had been looking forward to for weeks. Soon I was unable to even move from all the free drinks by the pool, and party favors, and then one of the worst things that could happen to someone happened. I will admit that I flirted with the guy to get some free drinks as advice from every girl that I came with, but I didn’t know what the price for that was.

The girl that I had came with to the hot tub decided to leave for a couple of minutes, to probably reup herself, and thats when it happened. He was no longer just handing me drinks, or telling me funny stories he was all over me, and then he was grabbing me and soon in me. It all happened so quickly, and with everything that happened before was slurry even as it was happening. But as quickly as it began it ended, as my friend came back. It was as though nothing had happened, yet I was sick to my stomach.

I fought ever urge I had from throwing up, and even as my friend sat inches away from me, she was unaware of what was happening to me still. Beneath the water he was trying again. How could this be happening, how did I let this happen, and why couldn’t I move still?  With everything that I had I stumbled out of the hot tub, and away to my room where I stayed for the rest of the night. This was my first night on the cruise.

The second day went better, which is all I wanted to happen. We docked on an island and they let everyone off, warning everyone to just be back my midnight. I felt as though the day before had been nothing more than a nightmare that was now following me with every step I took. My ” friend” was now doing more and more favors, which I joined eager to start the vacation on this day instead.

We stumbled off the boat and onto land, with two guys that we had meet that were closer to our age and, and attended the same university as us. They proved to be real gentlemen as they helped us through the rain, and even showed us some cool local places. everything was looking up, but i couldn’t shake the feeling that I had no idea what happened to me yesterday. Had I been drugged first? Maybe. How could I have been so stupid?

We found the local bar that was famous for their yardstick drinks, and soon the combination of the day, and everything else was making me a different person. I wanted to let everything go, to just be okay again. So I did the only thing that made since in that drunkin fucked up state. I hooked up with the only person who had been paying attention to me, the only person who was at least trying to make me feel better.It didn’t really make me feel better, but it was nice to not be alone, or having attacks.

The last day on the cruise we went to one last island, and I had been ditched by everyone for being so destructive and upset. So I drank and tanned, until I met a couple on the beach that were covered in tattoos from head to toe, even though they were well into their 40s. When we returned to the cruise I found my friend with the guys we had been hanging out with, but the guy who I had just hooked up with was no longer interested in me. It turns out that friend who had left me in the hot tub the first night, the friend who had not listened to my problems, the friend who had left me and now apparently had told the boy that I was a lying cheating son of a bitch had been talking to him, and now he wanted nothing to do with me. This is how i spent the last night of my cruise. Alone and crying.

bahamas

Happy fucking spring break.

Much love,

CSM

I still can’t say her name

The day that I meet her, there was something weird and strange about our connection. I didn’t think anything of it, at first, but then I became consumed with her. I wanted nothing else but to get to know her. I wanted to be her best friend, and then her shoulder to cry on, and then who knew what else what would happen.

The problem was that that we both had girlfriends. I’ve already told you how much I love my girlfriend, and how she makes me happy and that whole thing, and that part never changed. But when I met this girl she reminded me of all the reasons why the world was beautiful, but also why I shouldn’t be in it anymore. It was like untucking a shirt after a long day of work.

I began to spiral down, and think about nothing but ending it at any time, and that made me feel much better about life. I knew that I wouldn’t have to deal with college anymore, work, or any other problems that I might be having. I started doing drugs again, and smoking and drinking. But I did start writing again, and it had been almost a year since I had written anything worth reading.

She was the freedom I needed, but the freedom I couldn’t live with. I knew the day that I first kissed her that I would be truly throwing away everything I had worked so hard to create for myself, but I couldn’t stay away. It felt so nice, the end of it all I mean. Of course soon after I had to break up with my girlfriend because what would she do if she found my body one morning? I didn’t want that on her.

Those couple of weeks that turned into a month in half were crazy. I lived for the skin, the touch and love of the world. She was perfect for this world that I created for my demise. I guess I never really thought about all the things that she would feel when I left since she was just as unhappy as me. But she came alive with every kiss, her thoughts were brighter with every touch. What was I to do now that love was there?

I realized too late that I had to go back. I couldn’t leave my mom, my family and my girlfriend who created a future for us with the house and kids in mind. I had fucked up and I had to go back in time. But time machines aren’t real, and what I did was unreal, and what was I to do?

I still don’t know whether or not I can’t say her name, because of everything that I did to her, or if I say it all the feelings would drown me. I brought her to life as I slowly let her kill me, and then I left. But what’s done is done, and can never be undone.download (2)

Much Love C.S. Mann

Brighter than a Sunflower

I’m sure we all remember the moment that we first met our first roommate. I will admit that I am one of those people who worries about everything, even if I know the possibility of that situation happening was slim to nothing.

All I was hoping for when I met my roommate was that she was quite and never really talked or came out her room. When she arrived on the first day with what seemed to be every single women in her family, I could feel the instant disconnect.

I was still very angry with my mother as much as any teenager is for no real reason behind it, besides pint up anger over the years. Needless to say I arrived with three bags and my best friends in hand, and the determination of a bull to make sure my life was going to end up differently.

My new roommate concluded to dump everything in her closet and plug in one lava lamp.. in the dead center of the room. I felt like she was going to be the first druggie I met in college, especially when she also didn’t come back after that for almost three days.

As luck may have it, what seemed to be a drugged out roommate became one of my best friends and someone I will always look back on in college and remember her love for sunflowers and farmers markets. Our year filled with crazy ups and downs, was perfect together. From our late afternoon coffee stops, record shopping, or even just reading in the grass together, she was a person that I could always count on.

But now its time to pop the bubble as some say. I did have an amazing roommate my first year, but I also had two other ones, one of which ended up trying to have me evicted, and called the cops on me, and the other barely learned my name, except to tell me to clean after myself more, but hey what can you do.

I learned from her that the best thing for a person to laugh at least once a day, as well as to always be thinking positive thoughts. So she will always be the sunflower roommate to me, that eased me into probably the worst roommates to follow the next year. But you win some, and you lose some.

 

Much Love C.S. Mann

 

 

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